I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
Randomize
