I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
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