I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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