fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
