so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
