the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
