Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
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