saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
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