Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
