I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
