also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
