Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
