I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
