judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
