If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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