Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Randomize
