I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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