Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
