I heard we made out
I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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