did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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