I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Randomize
