Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
