I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
