And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
