for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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