This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
