I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
