Im at strip club and am horny
Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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