oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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