I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
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I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
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So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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