3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
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