SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
