a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Ryan Ross and Jon Walker left panic at the disco today.
I predict a mass suicide of the 14 year old girl population...
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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