So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
