i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
