Are we in a gay sports bar?
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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