I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Randomize
