he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
We need to get me chipped asap
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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