I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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