Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
