So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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