Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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