I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
