so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
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