I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I am in a vortex of obligation.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
