Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I hate all girls vehemently.
K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
