Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
