I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
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