omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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