i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
