yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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