i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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