Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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