sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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