so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
