I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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